In the past I have created blogs and kept journals with the intent of becoming fit. I have never stuck with anything long enough to see real results. I think the top reason for this is lack of accountability. I have never truly had the support system, motivation or reasonable long term plan to stick to.
Now, at 24, I am recently married to a very fit Navy corpsman. He is sick of hearing me complain about how much I dislike the shape I am in. He is giving me an exercise plan. I am responsible for the diet.
The diet portion will ultimately be where I make or break it. I need to learn to forgive myself for any slip-ups and be sure to push harder in order to work it off. I have gotten into the habit of using food as therapy. I don't know what purpose it's serving in my life, but I need to get to the root of the cause. Carbs are big weakness of mine. They induce binges. I only binge eat when I'm alone. I've done it for years. In high school I would force myself to throw up afterward. I wouldn't say I was ever close to being bulimic, though. I always felt a little guilty after throwing up. In part, I think it's because my eyes water and I start to cry when I gag myself. Now, I find that I am alone in the house a lot more than I ever was before. I've never really liked eating around people. I fear how people will judge me. This is an ongoing theme throughout my life, as is the food addiction.
Ever since second grade, I've been aware of the fact that I was heavier. I had skinny friends, then. Looking back, I realize that this is when I started making friends with chubbier girls. Maybe it was something in my subconscious. I didn't feel so bad about myself when I was around people who were at the same fitness level or worse off than I was. Since then, I have made friends with a lot of heavier girls.
My first boyfriend was thin. I remember thinking that he must think I'm fat. I wasn't fat then, but I was in the mindset that I was. After that boyfriend, I didn't date any guys that were more fit, or thinner than average. Until, of course, my husband, who is by far in the best shape of anyone I've ever gone out with.
You may think it's silly for me to be so preoccupied with how other people view me, and it probably is. But I know that my husband would prefer it if lost some fat, or a lot. Part of me thinks that I'm too hard on myself, but the other part knows that's just the quitter in me talking. Quitters never win, and winners never quit.
Where I'm starting from:
I am just over 5' 2" tall. I have a severe pear-shaped body. I carry a lot of excess fat around my hips, thighs, and butt. And recently, I've noticed my stomach growing as well. Up until the beginning of April, I had always struggled with keeping my weight below 130. My "comfortable" weight was 127. What I mean by that is if I didn't watch what I was eating, or exercise, my weight would stay around 127. In the past few months, my weight has shot up to 143lbs. I find that incredibly embarrassing. My husband made me get on the scale in front of him. I was ashamed.
Where I want to be:
My ultimate goal is to look like a bikini model, or a fitness model. I would like to have sexy curves, and some muscle tone, but not look muscular, necessarily.
I have a goal to lose 2 lbs per week. In the beginning, I may end up losing a little more than 2lbs per week, and I know it will be much tougher as I get down to the last 10 pounds or so. My goal is to reach 115 pounds by October 29, 2011. I will then work to maintain/lose more weight and fat as I see fit. The number itself is not as important as how I look and feel. I want to be able to stand in front of the mirror naked and be proud of my body.
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